“38 For I am persuaded, that
neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things
present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature,
shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our
Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
Each day when I rise I am immensely grateful for Christ's work on
the cross. I know this person who has an amazing story of salvation. She will
remain unnamed for the moment. I would like to share a little bit about this
women and her amazing story.
She did not have a “normal” childhood, although I am sure her
family would disagree. Her heart has been broken many times and her high
expectations of life had pretty much always come crashing down in the most
painful ways. People had often told her that her smile was contagious; however
they failed to recognize the pain behind the smile. Many times through her
youth she felt feelings of abandonment and lack of self-esteem. It seemed as
she got older these feelings worsened all behind that “contagious smile”. There
were those who had a slight idea that something was painfully “off” about this
girl. In and out of psychiatrists offices and an abundance of diagnoses never
seemed to “cure” this child of her discontent with family and life. It seemed
out of the feelings of abandonment and people seeking a “quick fix” for
whatever her condition was at the time spawned rage, anger and bitterness. Oh,
but she was raised in a “Christian” family, yet never actually saw Christian
values being lived out. This spawned cynicism and much bitterness, which led to
a hard heart and even more sadness and loneliness behind that “contagious
smile”. She barely graduated from high school and desiring to run away she
opted to join the military. Wearing that “contagious smile”, she could fool just
about anyone. Falling deeper and deeper into despair, she gave of herself in
ways that went against her own conscience. Through these years she would have
times of “spiritual revelation”. She would attend church from time to time, and
try to clean up her life, but couldn't seem to shake off the bitterness and
cynicism that had hardened on her heart. Compromised relationships with family
and friends only left her feeling more abandoned and lonely. She had witnessed
God's miracles from time to time, but began to explain them away by using
coincidence or just mere luck. While out of the country for a couple years she
thought she had found love; the kind of love and understanding that she had
longed for her entire life. In the end he would fall right in line with
everyone else. Leaving her heart broken somehow she wasn't surprised by these
events. She tried so hard to move on and tried to reach out to loved ones but
time and time again became aware that no one was around. This time however,
that “contagious smile” was no longer covering up the true nature of this young
woman. It is safe to say that everyone knew the truth about the drinking and
the drugs. Everyone knew or had a good idea that this woman was spiraling out
of control. It is sad to say, but at this point, this young woman with the
“contagious smile” was empty. She was merely going through the motions of life
all the while the one who broke her heart was still whispering words of hope.
Until one day life, heartache, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and despair
took their toll. Not much this young woman remembers of this fateful day,
except that she looked into the mirror and couldn't see her face. This woman
with the “contagious smile” had disappeared completely, that not even the smile
existed anymore. Where was God? Where was this Jesus? Why had He not rescued
her long ago? Why is it, that other “Christians” can proclaim His name, yet
live as though they do not know Him? So with empty pill bottles scattered on
the floor, this woman with the “contagious smile” breathed no more.
This woman with the “contagious smile” is me. On October 10, 2004
I took my life into my own hands. There of course is more to the story about my
upbringing and the rest of my life before this day. However, I feel that what
is written depicts that which describes me without slandering others. This is
my testimony of my conversion of accepting the ONE TRUE LORD JESUS CHRIST! I
was of course found 4 hours or so after taking many life threatening
medications rushed to the ER, where my family was told to make funeral
arrangements. October 10th in the year of 2004 was a Sunday. If my
memory serves me right, I opened my eyes in ICU on a Wednesday morning. (Might
have been Tuesday night, but it is all a bit blurry for me) I was actually
talking about this with Malachi the other day trying so hard to remember that
day. It is all still somewhat a blur, but one thing that I vividly remember is
struggling within myself against something that I can't quite explain. It is
like being on the edge of cliff, where your toes are almost off causing you to
fall off the side, but yet still enough on the ground that you won't fall.
Later, I would come to realize the “struggle” I was having was like that of
Jacob and the Angel. It seemed even when the very Person I longed to have save
me was in the act of saving me, I inherently kept fighting against Him. This
Person I would come to know as Jesus Christ. There is no medical or scientific
explanation for why I survived. I had been on life support for about 3 days. I
remember being told that in order to take me off the artificial breathing
apparatus I would have to try to breathe on my own. I can say for certain this
was the hardest task I have ever had to accomplish as I was still coming out of
this coma like state it was a little hard to remember what it meant to breathe
on my own. During this time, I finally submitted my will to the Lord. After
being taken off life support, there were some hard challenges ahead. The only
challenge I am even remotely concerned with speaking about is that of my
salvation. Even though I submitted my will to the Lord, I still struggled with
knowing Him. I was in such a vulnerable state that the enemy took his shots the
entire time. Satan is an opportunist and this was made real to me during this
time. Satan will use anyone to destroy you...anyone! They may not be aware they
are being used by him, but I was definitely aware of his presence around me. It
was at this time that I truly called upon the name of the Lord to rescue me. It
was then that the Lord showed me that if He had allowed me to die that day I
would have surely perished. The thought of this no longer strikes fear in me,
but a true sense of what it means to be “saved”. Salvation is not being saved
from your sin. Salvation is being saved from the righteous wrath of God that is
due us because we have sinned against an infinitely HOLY, RIGHTEOUS AND JUST
GOD! I am truly thankful for the saving Grace and Mercy of the Lord. I can't
even begin to explain what Jesus Christ means to me. He is my passion. He is my
deliver in the truest purest sense of the word. He is the reason I believe in
Him at all! The Bible says that “no one seeks after God”, “no one is or does
good”. This is exactly what scripture says about our true nature:
“10 as it is written, "THERE
IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NOT EVEN ONE; 11 THERE IS NONE WHO UNDERSTANDS, THERE IS
NONE WHO SEEKS FOR GOD; 12 ALL HAVE TURNED ASIDE, TOGETHER THEY HAVE BECOME
USELESS; THERE IS NONE WHO DOES GOOD, THERE IS NOT EVEN ONE." 13
"THEIR THROAT IS AN OPEN GRAVE, WITH THEIR TONGUES THEY KEEP
DECEIVING," "THE POISON OF ASPS IS UNDER THEIR LIPS"; 14
"WHOSE MOUTH IS FULL OF CURSING AND BITTERNESS"; 15 "THEIR FEET
ARE SWIFT TO SHED BLOOD, 16 DESTRUCTION AND MISERY ARE IN THEIR PATHS, 17 AND
THE PATH OF PEACE THEY HAVE NOT KNOWN." 18 "THERE IS NO FEAR OF GOD
BEFORE THEIR EYES.”
The Apostle Paul is quoting passages from the Psalms and Isaiah.
Specifically from Psalms 14:1-3, Psalms 53: 1-3, Psalms 5:9, Psalms, 140:3,
Psalms 10:7, Isaiah 59:7 and Psalms 36:1. This is our true nature, our fallen
nature and doesn't it sound exactly as I described the life I lived before my
radical conversion? This does not in any
way surprise me now. There is nothing in us that causes the Lord to choose to
save us. I cannot take any credit for my salvation. My salvation is not
obtained by my works, but by the Awesome work of the Lord Jesus Christ on the
cross. Even the faith I have in the Lord is not of myself. The Bible says the
Lord gives to each man a measure of faith.
“For through the grace given to me
I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought
to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to
each a measure of faith.”
This shows that there is nothing about me that causes the Lord to choose
me for salvation and it also shows me that even the faith I place in Him is
from Him alone. I also have the promise of being eternally secure in this
salvation that the Lord chose me for.
“13 In Him, you also, after
listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation--having also
believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, 14 who is
given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's
own possession, to the praise of His glory.”
Scripture says that we are chosen before the foundations of the world
for salvation. I understand this in not always a popular belief; however,
scripture is pretty clear on this position of “predestination”. The topic of
predestination has caused many a theological debate, however this is not my
intention. The idea of predestination really aggravates our sense of control.
This is what causes the debate. The Lord showed me these passages and they
cause my heart to take comfort in that God was actively involved in my life,
even when I was not actively involved with Him. How sweet a thought that the
Lord would think of me! Who am I, except a filthy sinner that cannot choose to
do good in and of myself? These next few verses are ones that have greatly
encouraged me in knowing that the Lord has been ever present in my life.
“29 For those whom He foreknew,
He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that
He would be the firstborn among many brethren; 30 and these whom He predestined,
He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He
justified, He also glorified.” (emphasis mine)
“5 He predestined us to
adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind
intention of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He
freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.” (emphasis mine)
During this process of my recovery I was placed in a psychiatric
facility for observation and treatment. This is where the Lord introduced me to
my husband Malachi. Of course this is not how I would have planned it, but the
Lord knows best! Malachi worked as a psychiatric technician and was sought out
by a female nurse to speak with me on my very first night in this strange
place. Malachi was very kind and encouraging. He went through much scripture
with me and listened to my entire life's story from 11pm that evening until 5am
the next morning. For the days and weeks that followed Malachi made it a point
to come into the clinic to check in on me. He brought books and letters filled
with encouraging words from the scriptures. The Lord used Malachi to minister
to my heart. I was transferred to the State Hospital for reasons that I will
keep to myself, as not to slander anyone. The Lord used every minute of this
time for my good and His glory. I was assigned a panel of care providers that
would determine how long I would stay at the State Hospital and any possible
treatment thereafter. I was blessed with an entire panel of Christian doctors,
nurses, social workers and other staff. It was in their professional opinion
that I was NOT crazy! Malachi made the four hour drive to visit me on the
weekends and continued with letters of comfort and encouragement from the
scriptures. I have a folder of over one hundred letters that were written
between the two of us during this time. The Lord revealed to us that His
purpose for our untraditional introduction was again for our good and His
glory. I was released from the State Hospital with a clean bill of health shortly
before Thanksgiving. Shortly after this, Malachi proposed and we were married
with the blessing of the Lord on 20 December 2004.
This is the account of my radical conversion! The Lord be Praised
and Glorified for all that HE has done in my life! There are many that are
still baffled by this radical conversion, including myself!. I have come to
know true, unconditional, long suffering, patient, selfless love through the
Lord Jesus Christ. I will not allow anyone to take credit for my salvation or
my relationship with the Lord except Jesus Christ. It was Him and Him alone
that sought to save me. When this world let me down time and time again, the
Lord rescued me! I was baptized by my husband on my birthday, 4 July 2005 with
the blessings of the Lord upon me. My life has never and will never be the
same. I am a radical believer in the Lord. Do not confuse me with a nominal
Christian. I do not merely sit in the pews anymore. I run this race to win and
bring Glory to the Lord. What you see before you is a life forever changed by
the Awesome Power of a Mighty and Merciful God!
Jesus I love you with all that I am!
“10 Create in me a clean heart, O
God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me away from Your
presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of
Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit. 13 {Then} I will teach
transgressors Your ways, And sinners will be converted to You.”
By His Grace,
Crystal
Crystal
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